The Battle

Yesterday we took "Gift" to court where he would go home with his Gogo (granny). I spent the last few days frantically going through photos, and sorted them into his album at 11pm as Smallinsky drank a bottle. Yesterday morning I went through all our cupboards searching for "his" things, and for things that will make his life easier once he leaves us. The days before a child leaves are the hardest as I try to do everything possible for them - with the knowledge that they will never again be mine front and center in my mind.

Then, we got to the social worker's office and Gogo, who we'd never met, recognised her great-grandson from across the room and came to sit by us. Gift, who is a super friendly baby, has been sensing that something is not right for the last few day and somewhere inside realised that this lady was the catalyst. He wouldn't go to her at all! The picture above is about 15 seconds away from another screaming session. I was sitting there holding my boy and picturing having to walk away from him at court while he cried.

But, when we got to court, the Magistrate said "not yet". The report wasn't done properly, and he was not impressed that no visits had been arranged for Gogo, and we got a postponement. Gift is ours for the next month and we will pour all our love into him before he goes.

There is a constant battle in this ministry between head-knowledge and heart-knowledge. I know that studies worldwide show that it is better for a child to be raised by kin in their own culture. I know that Gogo loves him, and that he has a brother and sister who can't wait for him to come home. I know that Gogo has enough to provide for him. But at the same time, my heart knows that he deserves more. That he needs someone who will worry about his development levels, and about age-appropriate stimulation. That he has brothers and sisters here who love him and worry about him.

Days like this I am learning about trust and letting go.